He did not really wish to jam bread and vegetable mush up the anus of a chicken, but doing this for me added to my staggering debt. And one day Victor would present the bill for all his kindness. 

— Horse Crazy, Gary Indiana

Time for the quarterly tune-up. It's really tedious after 11 years, as you might imagine.

Robert Mapplethorpe and friends hang out in the West Village in 1978, as caught on film by amateur photographer Leonard Fink. Part of a set of images Fink captured of men at rest and at play around the West Village in the late '70s, featured in the most recent issue of Pink Mince.

And let me be shameless here for a moment: please try an issue of Pink Mince, whether it's this recent one or one of the back issues. Each is a stand-alone exploration of theme. I'm very proud of the work by so many talented people I've been able to gather for each issue, but the whole project is a drain on my resources and every little bit of support will help keep it going.

It wouldn't be strange to get it and then to decide as Perkins did that this one particular person gave it to you, one out of ten or fifty or a hundred, maybe because that person made you feel something special, had done wonderful things in bed or gotten you to trust him physically and mentally as no one else ever had. 

— Horse Crazy, Gary Indiana

That night I put aside my fiction of former defeats, former glories . . . and began writing a letter. It began reasonably, as a sort of old-fashioned, literary coda to the afternoon. How pleasant to have met you, and so on, the kind of letter no one writes anymore, which naturally has its peculiar charm for the startled recipient. A courtly letter. Spinsterish but sensual. I felt in there brief time we conversed that I was speaking with someone of extremely rare sensitivity, and that you, of course, sensed my physical attraction to you, and were gracious enough to take this in stride, giving me the opportunity to show you the kind of person I am. I know it's eccentric to come right out with this in a letter, but I have been so moved by your beauty that I, that, at this point everything floundered, I ripped the letter into shreds and started over.

— Horse Crazy, Gary Indiana

Oh, and when I factor in the irony of who recommended I read this, I just want to crawl under a rock and die of self-consciousness. So busted, even if it was unintentional.

For an extra chuckle of relevance (albeit to other things), though, this was in the very first paragraph of the book: "Things commence in reckless hope and die away in stifled longing, not that we had hoped for much from the Staten Island Ferry." Perfect.

If that's all found in the first 4 pages, I'm almost terrified to continue.

The Chaos
by Gerard Nolst Trenité

Dearest creature in creation
Studying English pronunciation,
    I will teach you in my verse
    Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse.

I will keep you, Susy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy;
    Tear in eye, your dress you'll tear;
    Queer, fair seer, hear my prayer.

Pray, console your loving poet,
Make my coat look new, dear, sew it! 10
    Just compare heart, hear and heard,
    Dies and diet, lord and word.

Sword and sward, retain and Britain
(Mind the latter how it's written).
    Made has not the sound of bade,
    Say - said, pay - paid, laid but plaid.

Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as vague and ague,
    But be careful how you speak,
    Say: gush, bush, steak, streak, break, bleak, 20

Previous, precious, fuchsia, via
Recipe, pipe, studding-sail, choir;
    Woven, oven, how and low,
    Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe.

Say, expecting fraud and trickery:
Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore,
    Branch, ranch, measles, topsails, aisles,
    Missiles, similes, reviles.

Wholly, holly, signal, signing,
Same, examining, but mining, 30
    Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
    Solar, mica, war and far.

From "desire": desirable - admirable from "admire",
Lumber, plumber, bier, but brier,
    Topsham, brougham, renown, but known,
    Knowledge, done, lone, gone, none, tone,

One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel.
    Gertrude, German, wind and wind,
    Beau, kind, kindred, queue, mankind, 40

Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather,
Reading, Reading, heathen, heather.
    This phonetic labyrinth
    Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, ninth, plinth.

Have you ever yet endeavoured
To pronounce revered and severed,
    Demon, lemon, ghoul, foul, soul,
    Peter, petrol and patrol?

Billet does not end like ballet;
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet. 50
    Blood and flood are not like food,

    Nor is mould like should and would.

Banquet is not nearly parquet,
Which exactly rhymes with khaki.
    Discount, viscount, load and broad,
    Toward, to forward, to reward,

Ricocheted and crocheting, croquet?
Right! Your pronunciation's OK.
    Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
    Friend and fiend, alive and live. 60

Is your R correct in higher?
Keats asserts it rhymes with Thalia.
    Hugh, but hug, and hood, but hoot,
    Buoyant, minute, but minute.

Say abscission with precision,
Now: position and transition;
     Would it tally with my rhyme
    If I mentioned paradigm?

Twopence, threepence, tease are easy,
But cease, crease, grease and greasy? 70
    Cornice, nice, valise, revise,
    Rabies, but lullabies.

Of such puzzling words as nauseous,
Rhyming well with cautious, tortious,
    You'll envelop lists, I hope,
    In a linen envelope.

Would you like some more? You'll have it!
Affidavit, David, davit.
    To abjure, to perjure. Sheik
    Does not sound like Czech but ache. 80

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, loch, moustache, eleven.
    We say hallowed, but allowed,
    People, leopard, towed but vowed.

Mark the difference, moreover,
Between mover, plover, Dover.
    Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
    Chalice, but police and lice,

Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label. 90
    Petal, penal, and canal,
    Wait, surmise, plait, promise, pal,

Suit, suite, ruin. Circuit, conduit
Rhyme with "shirk it" and "beyond it",
    But it is not hard to tell
    Why it's pall, mall, but Pall Mall.

Muscle, muscular, gaol, iron,
Timber, climber, bullion, lion,
    Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
    Senator, spectator, mayor, 100

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
Has the A of drachm and hammer.
    Pussy, hussy and possess,
    Desert, but desert, address.

Golf, wolf, countenance, lieutenants
Hoist in lieu of flags left pennants.
    Courier, courtier, tomb, bomb, comb,
    Cow, but Cowper, some and home.

"Solder, soldier! Blood is thicker",
Quoth he, "than liqueur or liquor", 110
    Making, it is sad but true,
    In bravado, much ado.

Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
    Pilot, pivot, gaunt, but aunt,
    Font, front, wont, want, grand and grant.

Arsenic, specific, scenic,
Relic, rhetoric, hygienic.
    Gooseberry, goose, and close, but close,
    Paradise, rise, rose, and dose. 120

Say inveigh, neigh, but inveigle,
Make the latter rhyme with eagle.
    Mind! Meandering but mean,
    Valentine and magazine.

And I bet you, dear, a penny,
You say mani-(fold) like many,
    Which is wrong. Say rapier, pier,
    Tier (one who ties), but tier.

Arch, archangel; pray, does erring
Rhyme with herring or with stirring? 130
    Prison, bison, treasure trove,
    Treason, hover, cover, cove,

Perseverance, severance. Ribald
Rhymes (but piebald doesn't) with nibbled.
    Phaeton, paean, gnat, ghat, gnaw,
    Lien, psychic, shone, bone, pshaw.

Don't be down, my own, but rough it,
And distinguish buffet, buffet;
    Brood, stood, roof, rook, school, wool, boon,
    Worcester, Boleyn, to impugn. 140

Say in sounds correct and sterling
Hearse, hear, hearken, year and yearling.
    Evil, devil, mezzotint,
    Mind the z! (A gentle hint.)

Now you need not pay attention
To such sounds as I don't mention,
    Sounds like pores, pause, pours and paws,
    Rhyming with the pronoun yours;

Nor are proper names included,
Though I often heard, as you did, 150
    Funny rhymes to unicorn,
    Yes, you know them, Vaughan and Strachan.

No, my maiden, coy and comely,
I don't want to speak of Cholmondeley.
    No. Yet Froude compared with proud
    Is no better than McLeod.

But mind trivial and vial,
Tripod, menial, denial,
    Troll and trolley, realm and ream,
    Schedule, mischief, schism, and scheme. 160

Argil, gill, Argyll, gill. Surely
May be made to rhyme with Raleigh,
    But you're not supposed to say
     Piquet rhymes with sobriquet.

Had this invalid invalid
Worthless documents? How pallid,
    How uncouth he, couchant, looked,
    When for Portsmouth I had booked!

Zeus, Thebes, Thales, Aphrodite,
Paramour, enamoured, flighty, 170
    Episodes, antipodes,
    Acquiesce, and obsequies.

Please don't monkey with the geyser,
Don't peel 'taters with my razor,
    Rather say in accents pure:
    Nature, stature and mature.

Pious, impious, limb, climb, glumly,
Worsted, worsted, crumbly, dumbly,
    Conquer, conquest, vase, phase, fan,
    Wan, sedan and artisan. 180

The TH will surely trouble you
More than R, CH or W.
    Say then these phonetic gems:
    Thomas, thyme, Theresa, Thames.

Thompson, Chatham, Waltham, Streatham,
There are more but I forget 'em -
    Wait! I've got it: Anthony,
    Lighten your anxiety.

The archaic word albeit
Does not rhyme with eight - you see it; 190
    With and forthwith, one has voice,
    One has not, you make your choice.

Shoes, goes, does [1]. Now first say: finger;
Then say: singer, ginger, linger.
    Real, zeal, mauve, gauze and gauge,
    Marriage, foliage, mirage, age,

Hero, heron, query, very,
Parry, tarry, fury, bury,
    Dost, lost, post, and doth, cloth, loth,

    Job, Job, blossom, bosom, oath. 200

Faugh, oppugnant, keen oppugners,
Bowing, bowing, banjo-tuners
    Holm you know, but noes, canoes,
    Puisne, truism, use, to use?

Though the difference seems little,
We say actual, but victual,
    Seat, sweat, chaste, caste, Leigh, eight, height,
    Put, nut, granite, and unite

Reefer does not rhyme with deafer,
Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer. 210
    Dull, bull, Geoffrey, George, ate, late,
    Hint, pint, senate, but sedate.

Gaelic, Arabic, pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific;
    Tour, but our, dour, succour, four,
    Gas, alas, and Arkansas.

Say manoeuvre, yacht and vomit,
Next omit, which differs from it
    Bona fide, alibi
    Gyrate, dowry and awry. 220

Sea, idea, guinea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
    Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean,
    Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion with battalion,
    Rally with ally; yea, ye,
    Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, key, quay!

Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, receiver. 230
    Never guess - it is not safe,
    We say calves, valves, half, but Ralf.

Starry, granary, canary,
Crevice, but device, and eyrie,
    Face, but preface, then grimace,
    Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.

Bass, large, target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, oust, joust, and scour, but scourging;
    Ear, but earn; and ere and tear
    Do not rhyme with here but heir. 240

Mind the O of off and often
Which may be pronounced as orphan,
    With the sound of saw and sauce;
    Also soft, lost, cloth and cross.

Pudding, puddle, putting. Putting?
Yes: at golf it rhymes with shutting.
    Respite, spite, consent, resent.
    Liable, but Parliament.

Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen, 250
    Monkey, donkey, clerk and jerk,
    Asp, grasp, wasp, demesne, cork, work.

A of valour, vapid, vapour,
S of news (compare newspaper),
    G of gibbet, gibbon, gist,
    I of antichrist and grist,

Differ like diverse and divers,
Rivers, strivers, shivers, fivers.
    Once, but nonce, toll, doll, but roll,
    Polish, Polish, poll and poll. 260

Pronunciation — think of Psyche! —
Is a paling, stout and spiky.
    Won't it make you lose your wits
    Writing groats and saying 'grits'?

It's a dark abyss or tunnel
Strewn with stones like rowlock, gunwale,
    Islington, and Isle of Wight,
    Housewife, verdict and indict.

Don't you think so, reader, rather,
Saying lather, bather, father? 270
    Finally, which rhymes with enough,
    Though, through, bough, cough, hough, sough, tough??

Hiccough has the sound of sup...
My advice is: GIVE IT UP!

If you're curious, you can hear an abbreviated recited by Jennifer Dziura, a "semi-professional spelling bee word reader". I tried getting all the way through the complete version, but even though I already knew most of the words (and appreciate the Mac's control-click access to the dictionary more than ever), it's a real tongue twister to get through them all in one go. Maybe later.

I was travelling and speaking a lot for work, often addressing the subject of using type on the web and other screen-based devices. Here, in case you are so inclined, is a 20-minute talk I gave on the subject in early November at the Future of Web Design conference in New York:

It's a new year now, however, and I'm feeling refreshed and full of energy, so hopefully there will be more to come soon.

‘He has swiveled again from the salacious to the jokey, and it occurs to me that this is what Waters does: confront the audience with something transgressive and render it unthreatening and comical. He relishes words like “creepy”, “hideous” and “filthy”, but makes them sound like good, clean fun.’

The gents at FAQNP have kindly agreed to let me reprint my story about how Western brands drop their typographic standards when they trade in India. You should repay that kindness and check out some of their back issues or cool merchandise.

Okay, while I'm thinking of John Waters, let me mention that time that I was able to catch up with my oldest pal, filmmaker and Oscar nominee (GOD, how I love just tossing that in) Eddie Schmidt when he was back in New York for a couple of days in 2005.

Eddie and I have shared and mutually encouraged an appreciation for John Waters for over 25 years now, and he was bubbling with excitement with news that he couldn't talk about openly. He confessed that when he left New York the next day, he was off to spend an afternoon in Provincetown with John, interviewing him for his latest documentary about the MPAA. While I died with envy a little, I was also deeply excited that Eddie had scored such a great subject for his film, and I knew that he would be able to draw out some great thoughts of John's on the subject.

That little clip above is a tiny segment of the footage of John (captured during the hours he and Eddie spent together) that made its way into This Film Is Not Yet Rated, directed by Kirby Dick and produced by Eddie. (It's great, by the way, and you really should see it, and not just to catch the rest of the John Waters interview.) Of course, I would love to have been a fly on the wall for Eddie's entire visit so I could catch the rest of their conversation, but I have to be content with the footage in the film and what Eddie's told me.

John, if you're out there: Are you interested in typefaces? Queer zines? Comic books? Call me!

I write about John Waters so often that I should probably just give him a subcategory of his own. He's my hero, my inspiration, my favourite entertainer. How can I not file away the best bits from him that I come across? How can I not document our occasional interactions?

This interview from The Guardian is short, but an entertaining read as always. It has the ring of Waters starting the press junket for his Christmas tour (which I'll see when it comes here), but it has a few details I haven't known about before, and that's a rare pleasure. The most charming one is that he's a big fan of wine gums, since they are a favourite of mine. Kismet! Once again, I followed in his footsteps without knowing it.

If you haven't already, you should grab a copy of the new Pink Mince #8. And it's not just me who thinks so:

"totally fantastic, one of the best yet. Will have to book a ticket to NY!"

"Best issue yet."

"Don't you just LOVE when a new Pink Mince arrives ...? Spesh when you're in it! Beautiful work once again"

"Loving the new issue....entertaining and informative. What more could a man want?"

"Pink Mince. What can I say. I love it!"

"Page 16, with a beard, sitting against a tree. Are you fricking kidding me ...? Where the hell was I in 1976 ...?"